the Growing Pains/Hurts So Good ediccione (if you will)

August 29, 2004

THE OFFICIAL BUSINESS STUFF (A.K.A. THE “NEWS” PART OF “eNEWSLETTER”)

1) UPCOMING CONCERT DATES
2) PAW PRINT FEATURE BY SHERELLA GIBBS
3) NEW HOST (AND CONTACT PERSON) OF THE WOMEN’S WRITING & SPOKEN WORD SERIES
4) WRITER BLOCK FEATURE BY TRAYCEE LYNN
5) FEEL FREE TO COPY AND SHARE MY MUSIC
6) MAILING LIST SIGN-UP (OR & UNSUBSCRIBE)

THE TOTALLY RAMBLING “FEELINGS” AND “GROWTH” STUFF (A.K.A. THE “LETTER” PART OF “eNEWSLETTER”)

A) PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, ULCERS, AND PAX (“FEEL THE SPIRIT”) TELEVISION
B) LIVING WITH MY SISTER’S TURNIN’ OUT PRETTY COOL
C) VISUALIZING MY BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME
D) WRITING FOR THE PEOPLE (AND FOR MYSELF TOO)
E) BIG BELLY WISDOM: THE DAYS & NIGHTS OF A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER
F) BIG BELLY WISDOM PART II: LOVING MY BODY UNCONDITIONALLY
G) THANK YOU AND GOOD-NIGHT!

1) UPCOMING CONCERT DATES

Friday 9/9/04 thru Sunday 9/12/04 Sisterspace Weekend. This is a popular wimmin’s retreat that happens every year on a campground in Maryland. I’m not sure which day, but one of them from 1pm-3pm I’ll be hosting the annual Womyn of Color Forum Open Mic. I’ll perform a few songs, and everyone else will read their poetry, sing, or whatever else their hearts desire. I attended last year’s open mic and it was pretty interesting. There’s something about body painted, topless women reading poetry that is just...well...inspiring is the word I might use. But there’s so much more than the open mic. There are workshops, conferences on relationships, sex, writing/creativity, your financial life; there are movies, there’s swimming in a lovely pool, there’s arts and crafts. All women and their young girl children are welcome. This is a safe, clothing optional place where you can be free in a way you can’t in the “only boys can feel the sun on their bare chests” world. Interested? Visit www.sisterspace.org.

Friday 9/17/04. Featured guest performer at Out-of-the-Box event at the Pride Center of New Jersey. OUT OF THE BOX is an open-mic for ALL TYPES OF PERFORMERS: poets, singers, comedians, tragedians, musicians, jugglers, etc. It's held on the THIRD FRIDAY of EVERY MONTH from 8:00 to about 10:30 pm at THE PRIDE CENTER OF NEW JESREY 1048 Livingston Avenue in North Brunswick, NJ Admission: $5 (suggested donation) / $3 for students. Light Gnosh and Low Octane Beverages Served. Hosted by Pandora Scooter and Stephen Jones. For more information about Out of the Box, please visit www.pandorascooter.com/gpage.html. For directions, or information about the Pride Center of New Jersey, please visit please call 732-846-2232 or visit www.pridecenter.org.

Saturday 10/16/04 10pm-12am. Performing music at Late Night La Salle. Late Night La Salle La Salle University 1900 W. Olney Ave. , La Salle Union, Philadelphia, PA 19141 215.991.3558 For more info, please visit www.lasalle.edu/students/dean/late-night-la-salle/music.htm

Saturday 11/06/04 11:30pm-1am. Reading spoken word and hosting reading event at Late Night La Salle. La Salle University 1900 W. Olney Ave., La Salle Union, Philadelphia, PA 19141 215.991.3558 For more information, please visit www.lasalle.edu/students/dean/late-night-la-salle/music.htm.

[Revision: For the absolute latest Tour Schedule, please visit www.cdbaby.com/cd/xavierc.

2) PAW PRINT FEATURE BY SHERELLA GIBBS Philadelphia Artists, Writers, and Musicians is a group and a newspaper. It’s available in print format and online. The September 2004 issue features a certain songstress by the name of Cassendre Xavier. It was written by a fine young journalist named Sherella Gibbs who also happens to be the new host of the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series. Wanna have a gander? (I highly recommend this article, and not just because she used the word “Rubicon” in it. Which I totally don’t know the definition of.) PAW Print CX feature article “Workaholics Anonymous Profile: Cassendre Xavier” by Sherella Gibbs, go to the following link and scroll way down to the bottom (they saved the best for last...kinda like the sweet fruit at the bottom of a Dannon yogurt!) http://philadelphiawriters.com/

3) NEW HOST (AND CONTACT PERSON) OF THE WOMEN’S WRITING & SPOKEN WORD SERIES Sherella Gibbs is a 23 year old African American journalist currently based in Philadelphia. She has test-hosted the series a couple of times. Once when I wasn’t sure I’d be back in town from a visit to Kalamazoo, Michigan, and another time when I was sort of “auditioning” for someone to take over the series, which I founded in November 2002. In addition to being a gifted writer, Sherella has all the ambition of a young soul and the time, interest, and passion to devoting the proper time and energy I’m simply, with my schedule and multi- “tasking” habits, am not able to give. Sherella is also in tune with the audience, and is keeping it just as warm, friendly, and accessible as it has always been. The WWSWS is still a “nurturing environment that celebrates women in the craft of multi-genre writing” and “always includes a co-ed open reading.” It happens 1st & 3rd Mondays from 7pm-8:30pm at Robin’s Bookstore on 13th & Sansom and is free. Store 215-735-9600. The series is booked until January 2005 so far. If you’d like to get on the WWSWS mailing list, to inquire about being a featured reader, or for any other information, please email Sherella at FYBProductions2@hotmail.com.

4) WRITER BLOCK FEATURE BY TRAYCEE LYNN Editor and publisher of the Writer Blocks Traycee Lynn has done a feature on me which will run in the forthcoming September issue of The Writer Blocks, which is published by the Society for Urban Literary Arts (SULA), a non-profit organization. You can find the Writer Blocks in print format at Crimson Moon Cafe (20th & Sansom) or read it online at www.writerblocks.com.

5) FEEL FREE TO COPY AND SHARE MY MUSIC If you own any of my CDs, whether you purchased them yourself, were given them as a gift, or bootlegged them, please feel free to make more copies and give them out to your friends. When you do that, please don’t sell them, and please include this link on all of the packaging: www.CDbaby.com/all/cassendre. Thanks!

6) MAILING LIST SIGN-UP (OR & UNSUBSCRIBE) To sign up a friend to receive the ME! ME! ME! eNewsletter, please forward this issue to them, or email cassEndrExavier@hotmail.com.

To unsubscribe, please REPLY TO THIS HERE MESSAGE ONLY with “please unsubscribe” in the subject field, and accept my apology for inconveniencing you.

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THE TOTALLY RAMBLING “FEELINGS” AND “GROWTH” STUFF A) PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, ULCERS, AND PAX (“FEEL THE SPIRIT”) TELEVISION How’ve you been? Have you been holding up okay with all this political stuff and the stressors that invariable come with presidential elections and debates? Are you filled to the gills with the “He sucks!’ “No, HE sucks!” “Well, he sucks worse!!” commercials? I know it’s been pretty rough. What are you doing about stress? Are you talking to your friends about it? Are you getting or trading massages with friends and lovers? Are you taking action by organizing your neighbors to vote? Or are you doing what I’m doing, which is to totally hide my head in the sand, get an ulcer, and eat pancakes while watching anything on the PAX channel? I find that watching Dick Van Dyke and his handsome son Barry solve all those crimes really calms me down and helps me to forget how fucked up the world is. Sure it’s sad that I can’t get up and do something more constructive with my time, but sometimes it’s constructive enough to keep myself sane and alive. Well, I guess in my case, one of two ain’t bad! For more on Barry Van Dyke, my new TV hobby, please visit www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/DetailsServlet/epid-0/showid-0/personid-1557/moduleid-38 Other corney and comforting PAX television shows I greatly enjoy: It’s a Miracle (hosted by Touched By an Angel star Roma Downy). Sue Thomas FBEye is not only a great show, in my opinion, but the opening theme song is among the most chyk-affirming I’ve ever heard. Not to mention simply a beautiful song sung by a woman with an angelic voice. Miracle Pets. Saturday Night Movie of the week. Doc, starring Billy Ray Cyrus. It might help you to know that I used to actually own the CD that had “Achy, Breaky Heart” on it. I bought that CD, and I LOVED it! (Then I moved and promptly lost same said CD.) It was a good day when I got that CD, at a center city sidewalk sale. I also got “Yentl” on VHS that fine afternoon. Yes, twas surely a good day. (I’m totally not kidding. Billy Ray Cyrus CD and Yentl VHS. Gold.)

B) LIVING WITH MY SISTER’S TURNIN’ OUT PRETTY COOL My sister and I are sharing her apartment and we are both totally pleasantly surprised by how things have turned out. We’re both helping each other in many ways to become more self-sufficient and adept at making money totally through our artmaking. Because she has asked me to pay half the rent, I have a steady obligation to make money. She’s also making transitions in her life that I’ll leave out on accounta this is called “ME ME ME” not HER HER HER! It’s not that I don’t want to talk about her, I just know she’d kick my ass. And she may thin, but she’s strong! One thing that makes it not so bad us living together is that we’ve both grown in lots of ways over the years since we last shared living quarters. Her boundaries are much stronger, and I’m less bitchier and controlling. Also, each of us is dating and traveling and sometimes leaves the apartment to the other to enjoy alone. Another added bonus is that she totally adores my two feline companions, and they pretty much dig her, too. I feel blessed to have this nice hiatus and soft spot to rest while I work out my finances over the next few months and then branch out on my own.

C) VISUALIZING MY BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME I’m a strong believer in visualization and to do those exercises when there’s something you want to have or get in your life. I’ve been using and practicing skills of visualization successfully for years. Before I put my first CD out, I had to see it in my mind first, and one way I would do that is to collect CDs by other Black women guitarists/singer-songwriters, and to imagine that it was my name and face on their covers and artwork. Some months and years later it became apparent that the time had come for me to stop collecting and make my own damn CDs. It was time to add myself, my work, my face, my music, and my name to those that I’d been drawing around me. When my last living situation went horribly south, as several had before that and for about the last three or four years, I realized that I had to start doing visualization exercises to get my own comfortable, safe, and steady living environment. When I moved into my sister’s place almost two months ago, I started working on that. It was a little disconcerting for the first couple of weeks when I found it so challenging to picture myself living in my OWN nice house or apartment (as opposed to merely sharing a lover’s). After more than a month went by and I wasn’t making any progress at all, I became truly worried and disheartened. I thought it was impossible, and that I wouldn’t ever be able to imagine it. Therefore I was stuck relying on other people to provide for me a place to live. It’s one thing to be someone who CHOOSES not to live alone. I didn’t want to be someone who COULDN’T even she wanted to. After a few days of being truly concerned, I decided not to worry about it for a while. What happened after that was a very pleasant surprised. I had started formulating plans for getting more paid performances and other income from my music (CD sales and so forth). Then two things occurred to me that totally blew my stress about this issue right out of the water. First, I realized that there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that over time, I will become a successfull musician and recording artist, making enough money to meet all and more of my needs. I believe this is possible for me as strongly as I believe in cause and effect, right and wrong, black and white, yin and yang. There is no doubt in my mind that if I truly “follow [my] bliss”, then all my needs will be met and then some. My second realization was that if all of my needs are met, which is something I don’t doubt can happen for me, then how can I not have a swank place to live? A nice home is an easy positive side effect of being financially comfortable and financial. It’s just gonna happen and be part of the package. It’ll take care of itself. I don’t even have to worry about that part. All I have to do is stay focused on my spiritual work and prepare myself to accept the rewards. So, it doesn’t matter that right now I don’t know how or where I’ll live over the next few years. God’ll take care of that stuff for me! It’s also highly likely that by the time that I become financially comfortable as an artist, I will totally be able to easily “see” my new home and how that will happen and come together. There was a time that I couldn’t imagine being fully self-employed and having my own CDs to sell. In fact, when I first started imagining doing what I’m doing now, it was cassettes that I kept with me and visualized putting out. I created cassette “J” cards with my “photo” and song titles hand written in them. And then I used a word processing program to type it up, and then it really looked authentic. One step after another brought me to where I am now. Maybe this is similar to that. Right now as far as finding, or even imagining, my own nice place to live, I’m still in the “cassette” stage. By the time I get through this phase, the kind of place I create for myself will be much nicer than I’m able to visualize right now. “It feels great to know that things can only get better,” she said, looking up from the floor of her sister’s living room floor (where she sleeps. For example).

D) WRITING FOR THE PEOPLE (AND FOR MYSELF TOO) One of the great things about the universe, is that if you can still yourself long enough to hear it, it gives you pretty loud and clear answers to your questions. Now, you don’t even have to be aware that you have asked any questions. It just answers and informs you anyway. Take, for example, my recent dilemma over writing and publishing my own books and editing anthologies. Because I enjoy writing so much, and also because I was stuck in this idea of “never give away your art for free”, I felt that the natural solution was to write...for sale. And because artistically I engage in instant gratification (I didn’t wait to get signed to release my CDs, and I’m not waiting for a damn publisher to put out the writing I already know is good), I decided to self-publish my own books and chapbooks. After all, I’d gotten plenty of signals from people who’d read my work that I was a decent writer. And I’d already been published in several magazines and literary anthologies. I’d gotten good reviews. All that was next was to make my writing available, right? Wrong. None of the books I put out there moved. At ALL. No chapbooks sales in the stores, no online sales, no checks in the mail, no inquiries in person or via email. None. Did I feel really bad about that? No. Unlike how I was in the olden days, I didn’t kick myself for having done all of that. I merely took it as a sign from the universe that I was going in the wrong direction and taking part in activities that weren’t best for me right now. Around this same period of time, I kept getting this strong psychic signal to give away my writing. Something, or someone, was telling me to write and just give it away. After a few days of this, I decided do print up a few more copies of my “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and to deliver them to Crimson Moon Cafe (on 20th & Sansom www.crimsonmooncafe.com). Soon, they became a big hit, and last week while I was there at a meeting with an associate, a customer came up to me and shook my hand, saying that she enjoyed it. The owner had pointed me out. Now, I see that this may be a creative, powerful, and very effective way of advertising. This experience is what told me I should be writing ME ME ME again. I no longer feel that it’s a “waste” of my time to spend the average 10 hours that it takes to compose and send this eNewsletter. Now I consider it a combination of a community service, encouraging other artists, and free advertising! Also, I get to do one of my favorite things...write. Another big reason I’m back to writing ME ME ME is that I checked my “hits” and sales on CD Baby, and I had about twice as many hits and sales in July than I did in August. I’m convinced that one of the reasons for that huge decrease of CD sales and website hits in August is that in August, I stopped doing the regular emails. They were helpful in more ways than one. So, in September, I’ll just plug away at this here keyboard, writing about my life and see what comes!

E) BIG BELLY WISDOM: THE DAYS & NIGHTS OF A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER Ms. Magazine has a special feature called “My Turn”. This is a page-long essay sent in by a writer or magazine reader. Years ago, I decided to write one and send it in. The piece I was going to write about was about my eating disorder and how my working on that was bringing me in touch with my long lost power. I saw my big stomach, gained from overeating compulsively since childhood, not as an unoved burden, but as a sign of tremendous potential for growth, healing, and self-empowerment. I was going to call the piece “Pregnant with Possibility.” At my request, artist Clarity Haynes took a picture of myself, nude, standing, and holding the base of my big belly. I truly looked at least 7 months pregnant, and though I had been ridiculed for years because of the size of it, and the rest of me, I felt unashamed. I’m still struggling with my eating disorder, and am actually working on it a lot in therapy. The older I get (I’m 35 now), the more I am coming to grips with the aftereffects of years of mishandling my digestive system in specific, and my body in general. I don’t want any serious illnesses, so I’m really making an effort to do something to change my behavior. But old habits, especially the bad ones, die hard, hence the ice cream in front of the telly, and eating full, spicy meals at midnight just before hitting the sack. In her book “You Can Heal Your Life”, Louise L. Hay says that addiction, in my case food addiction, is about “Running from the self. Fear. Not knowing how to love the self.” According to her, being overweight is shows “Fear. Need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection. Seeking fulfillment.” Those are some pretty major themes to deal with. Every time I’m eating, and I feel that I’m full, there’s a silent click that I ignore, telling me to stop eating, and that I’m full. But the compulsion to keep eating is so great. Most of the time, I don’t want to be brave, to do the hard work of stopping before I’m stuffed. Most of the time, I prefer the twisted painful “comfort” I get from being stuffed. My therapist told me the other day that I’m stuffing down emotions that I need to feel. It had never occurred to me before that I actually NEED these things...these pesky little “E-mow-shons”. Anyway, little by little, I have been able to make a little bit of progress.

F) BIG BELLY WISDOM PART II: LOVING MY BODY UNCONDITIONALLY This is how I found big belly wisdom. I went to a NoLose conference and heard all this radical new information. Things like “Fat doesn’t create diabetes, hypertension, and other diseases.” I learned about how people can be healthy and fat, and that fat people can do and wear whatever they want, and take great care of themselves, and be athletes, and lots more good stuff. Then, I read a book called “Live Large” that gave me for the first time, this idea that I could actually be happy and self-fulfilled NOW, in this 212 lb body. I didn’t have to, and in fact, I really really shouldn’t, wait til I’ve lost “those few pounds”. Finally, I’ve let go of the fantasy that I’ll be happy and famous and successful when I’ve lost the weight. Sometimes, I think I’ll do it, and then I remember that while I’m saying that, I’m putting my life on hold. And I won’t do that anymore. The ironic twist is that when I’m self-loving, I actually care about my body, and out of that care and concern comes the motivation to eat less, be healthier, and exercise. That motivation NEVER comes when I’m beating myself up for being fat. So, while on this new trip, I began listening to my stomach. In doing so, I also started to meditate and spend more time alone. Then I realized that if I put my left palm on my belly, and asked a question, I usually “felt” a clear answer. I now know what people mean when they say “listen to your gut”. I never before thought I had a strong intuition or sense of inner guidance. But now that I’m getting in touch my tummy, I feel really strong and secure in every decision I make. Why? Because I’m no longer making those decisions alone or unsure. I feel like I’m directly in touch with the divine and it’s a really great feeling.

For more on belly wisdom, please visit: The Woman’s Belly Book: Finding Your Treasure Within, by Lisa Sarasohn www.honoringyourbelly.com/

Belly Wisdom (big woman sculpture) www.bellpineartfarm.com/home/bp1/page/51/11

Finding Belly Wisdom (an essay) by Debbie Berrow (link below) www.honoringyourbelly.com/inspiration/articles/finding_belly_wisdom.html

Do you have a “big belly wisdom” story to tell? Send it to Debbie at bellyqueen@earthlink.net

For more on loving your body unconditionally, please visit: Live Large (book) Affirmations for living the life you want in the body you have now, by Cheri K. Erdman, Ed.D. www.sizewise.com/erdman/cheri.html

Love Your Body (book) Affirmations by Louise L. Hay www.hayhouse.com.

NoLose (the National Organization of Lesbians of SizE) www.nolose.org

G) THANK YOU AND GOOD-NIGHT! Well, the time has come to wrap it up. Thanks for reading ME! ME! ME! I hope you enjoyed it, and I look forward to sending you another one soon.

Have a great week!

Cassendre Xavier
Singer-songwriter and Independent Recording Artist

Visit the Cassendre Xavier Music Gallery at http://www.CDbaby.com/all/cassendre

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[Sometimes, folks email me with comments on this newsletter. Now you can do it here! Please feel free to post your responses and comments here. You can be anonymous if you wish, and I prefer that your post positive in content. Thanks for your time and consideration, and thanks as always for reading the ME! ME! ME! eNewsletter!]