One Lucky Girl Blog 9/28/08

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah is a self-described “renaissance negresse” (musician/writer/actress/visual artist). Known mostly as a musician and a writer, she is the award-winning founder and former director of Philadelphia’s annual Black Women’s Arts Festival (est. 2003). One Lucky Girl is the title of a song on the CX recording “live at the kraftbrau, kalamazoo”. (http://cdbaby.com/cd/xavierc6)

TABLE OF CONTENTATIONAL QUALITIES

1) GETTING CLOSER TO LULU

2) MOTHERING BLUES

3) NEW YORK, NEW YORK

4) SEX, LOVE, & ROMANCE

CONTENTS OF TABLAGE

1) GETTING CLOSER TO LULU

So my whole thing lately is doing what feels good and not doing what doesn’t feel good. That’s the formula. It’s not feeling good to wait and wait and wait and think that I’m supposed to study and do research to find a literary agent and start trying to find publishers and have a so-called proper outlet for my writing. What does feel good is knowing that I can easily and quickly post my writings at Lulu.com and have them turned into books which can be ordered on demand, at no cost to me. I keep going back to Lulu in my mind, and found in my collection two books by friends who self-published on Lulu (Victor Sjodin and Lacey C. Clark). What had been holding me back for months, well, okay, maybe years at this point, is that the layout process seems to be challenging, at least that’s what my associate Niama L. Williams said. So I didn’t do it. But now I’m thinking, if she could do it, why can’t I learn? And who knows, it may be easier for me, because I love the internet and typing and I have a facility with all that stuff. Anyway, so I’m going to try it. I am creating manuscripts by writing in my journal and then transcribing them and putting them on MySpace, LiveJournal and Blogspot. I find that’s easier than saving them in flashdrives or in gmail. So I’m going into my Lulu account to look at all the projects I started a couple of years ago – books I thought I’d do but didn’t because the layout process seemed so daunting.

It’s my dream to take all this stuff and put it online so you can order it in book or download format at your convenience. I’ll keep you posted.

2) MOTHERING BLUES

I never had a kid but the Black Women’s Arts Festival. It’s five now and I’ve let it go for a while to grow up a little and develop itself without me. It’s been very easy to do in some ways, I’m less stressed – (my hair’s finally growing back!) – I can focus on becoming the artist I’ve always wanted to be – not some nonprofit director that I was not put on the planet to be. However, some things are bothering me, which I’m not yet at liberty to speak of. Things were said of me in the press that I feel were highly disrespectful, not to mention inaccurate. I’ve been waiting to make a statement with BWAF leadership, so that we present a united front. I wish I could curate more of the event – which was totally an option, but I chose to not expend more energy than I have at this point. You parents know what I’m talking about – you want them to be a certain way, but you have to let them go and be themselves. I have always and still have the dream of producing BWAFs internationally: BWAF Paris, BWAF Berlin – not establishing non-profits there, just putting on events. I don’t know if the current management will go for that or if in the years I am ready to really do it the management at the time will be interested. Sometimes I worry that I will lose my baby to people whose styles are absolutely nothing like mine and that it will cease being what I dreamt it to be and will become something else entirely – something that I would have no interest in attending, but that is well-funded and well advertised nonetheless. I remind myself that regardless of what happens, I AM the black women’s arts festival and if I want I can always put on an event with a different name that is the essence of what I created to begin with. That dream will never be lost. I trust that all is well and I rejoice in the newfound freedom to focus only on my art and life, letting BWAF go and be what it’s going to be. I also remind myself that anytime I want I can go back (which most likely will be something like being on the board of directors – something I have no desire to do at this time). For now, I must settle for watching silently from sidelines, like any responsible parent would.

3) NEW YORK, NEW YORK

As B.B. says, the thrill is indeed gone. Well, not completely. While it’s still impressive to walk among clearly very rich people and people from all over the world, and this on a daily basis, I have more than ever a need for quiet.

When I have visited NYC in the past, from childhood on, I have always felt this was a vibrant, wonderful exciting city…to visit. I was always glad to leave it and return to our quiet, grass and tree-filled suburban neighborhood. NYC is exciting. It is thrilling. It is vibrant. It does have a super high level of energy which in part is brought to it by so many ambitious, firey spirited people who are here to put their thing down and do some thangs. However, this energy never, ever stops. It never rests. That’s not good for me. Even when it’s quiet here where I live, I can feel the energy. I’m very sensitive and I know I’m not fully at rest. I don’t think I can stay here forever. Even if I were super rich and lived in a suburb of NYC, I would know that not far was The Energy. Perhaps that would be the solution. Perhaps there are places, for example where the O’Donnell’s (Rosie und zie Kelli) are raising their kids, that I could live and be protected from the wild spirit of NYC. I don’t know, but that’s a way off, budget-wise. For now, I see this town as my school. I’m here for an intensive on BECOMING THE ARTIST I’M SUPPOSED TO BE. That’s what I’m here for – not permanently settling for life. I appreciate the good things here- I really do.

In Andy Warhol’s “Philosophy of…” he talks about how boring it is to see the same gorgeous people all the time in Sweden. He says in Sweden once you see someone who isn’t tall and thin, blond and gorgeous, you think THEY’RE beautiful, because at least it’s something different. I’m finding that to be the case with NYC. Once you’ve been in Union Square and seen the magic there – or been at the place where all the TV shows are (I don’t know the names of these areas!) and see countless limos and so-called important people… I mean, I’m getting bored!

It’s still exciting to see clothing I know isn’t American. I still drool over a tailored suit and odd looking women’s boots and hairstyles and makeup I know are done at the kinds of salons that celebrities go to. That’s still kind of exciting. But really, it’s getting kind of old. It was exciting at first. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I want to go to Europe – for a change of pace. I’m 39. It’s high time I go. I’ve been wanting to go since I was in my teens. I’m glad I’m in NYC. It’s training me for a better life. But like a parent, what it’s training me for is to go, to leave it and to make something of myself, and then return and make them proud.

4) SEX, LOVE, & ROMANCE

Privacy is something I’ve been thinking about lately – what to say that will be truthful, entertaining, and yet not make my future paramours feel that they can’t get involved with Moi lest the world (at least the world of my readership) be made aware of all our goings on. So I am more and more conscious of what I say and how I say it and who I say it about.

I’ve been feeling a combination of contentedly single and a wee bit lonely for a huggy bear bed mate lately. If I still lived in Philly it wouldn’t be so much of a problem, because that’s where my huggiest bear bed mate lives. However, I’m not in Philly. And I’ve gotten to a picky place now where I won’t settle for just a warm male body. I want not only a brain but ambition and passion and some kind of resources that will elevate me to a better place on all levels. Not just someone to shag and watch movies with. I’m convinced I will meet these types or perhaps even a significant other of some deep substance, through following my dreams, doing what brings me the most pleasure creatively, and taking some risks.

I learned a lesson recently in not making assumptions.

There’s a new Brazillian restaurant near the McDonald’s I was working in. Months ago I walked in and checked it out when ordering something. I wanted to work there, but I told myself the following stories: Brazilians are racist. I saw this tall white guy, in his 40s, bald, head chef, totally my type (or one of them), and I assumed: he’s probably totally prejudiced. He’s Brazilian and doesn’t date black chyks. So then I ordered my cheese bread (which I’m convinced are The Devil).

Well, last Wednesday I noticed a “help wanted” sign in the window. I went in, and talked to the guy. We were totally checking each other out. I was surprised! Two days later, I brought in my resume. We sat down and talked. He said my resume was “impressive”. He had a French accent. He pronounced my name the proper way. I asked, “Are you French?” He reacted the same disgusted and offended way Belgian sleuth Hercules Poirot did when he was (often) mistaken for French, so I said, “Belgian?” and he proudly nodded a confirmation of this. He hired me on the spot. My resume said I was conversational in French and Haitian Kreyol. When he saw my photo ID (to copy along with my Social Security card) he said, “Se vrement Kreyol ou ye!” (Which means “You really are Haitian!”) I replied, “Kijan ou konen Kreyol con sa?” (How is it you know Kreyol?) He said, “When you find something really beautiful, you go out of your way to learn all you can about it.” So not only was this guy not a racist Brazilian, but he was a Belgian who is not only into black chyks but into black people from the country of my parents. I felt like telling him, hey why don’t you and my ex-girlfriend get together and talk Kreyol? (Two white people speaking Kreyol – which I thought was hilarious until I remembered there are plenty of white people in Haiti who speak Kreyol – and some of them even call themselves Haitian!)

Anyway I started working there last week. I’m gonna kill in tips and more importantly, my new boss, The Belgian, is gonna help me in my plans to tour Europe. He said I should definitely go to Belgium. He said lots of famous and successful singers got their start there – singing in French. Celine Dion, Julio Iglesias, and Wayne Newton were the three he mentioned. He used to run a major club there and still has connections there. I’m going to give him my CD tomorrow.

(c) Copyright 2008 by Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah. All rights reserved.

Cassendre Xavier is a self-described “renaissance negresse”. Although she also enjoys acting and making visual art, this first generation American-born citizen of Haitian and Chinese heritage is mainly a musician and a writer. As a singer-songwriter/guitarist, Cassendre has released 7 albums of music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade, and Enya” (Borders Music Expert Steven M. Wilson). Her sound has also often been compared to that of Roberta Flack, Joan Armatrading, Joni Mitchell, Pheobe Snow, and India.Arie, among others. Her latest musical recording, “Live at Tin Angel” was honorably mentioned as #9 of “Top 21 Local LPs of 2007” (M.J. Fine, Philadelphia City Paper). Under her self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman), she has a growing line of spoken word guided meditation recordings called “Affirmations for Survivors”, the first two being “Spirituality” and “Self-Love”. Her “snappy and redeeming” (Karen Gross, Philadelphia City Paper) multi-genre writing has been published nationally in various literary anthologies and periodicals, as well as previously self-published chapbooks “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and “Making of a Woman/Artist: a book for every black girl and every black woman who has ever wanted to be an artist”. She wrote, directed, and starred in a 5-actor play called “Sex for Survivors” which ran for three days in the Philly Fringe Festival 2003. An award-winning cultural arts advocate, Cassendre is the founder and former director of several arts initiatives in Philadelphia including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Robin’s Bookstore, 2002-2006) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (The Rotunda and other venues, 2003-present). She received a $15,000 Leeway Transformation Award in 2005 for her work in art and change. Now reinventing herself as a musician and writer in her native city of New York, Cassendre practices an active, raw vegan lifestyle, braiding her own hair extensions, and getting as many naps and hot dates in as possible. Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com.