ME! ME! ME! Thrill of Defeat: Realisaccione

ME! ME! ME! The Cassendre Xavier Newsletter
The “Thrill of Defeat: Realisaccione” ediccione, if you will. (As it were.)


24 Dec 2008

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah is a self-described “renaissance negresse” (musician/writer/actress/visual artist). Known mostly as a musician and a writer, she is the award-winning founder and former director of Philadelphia’s annual Black Women’s Arts Festival (est. 2003). Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com (Full bio at the end of this newsletter.)

[This missive is best enjoyed when printed out and savored, say, on the toilet or perhaps in a more genteel fashione, at the breakfast table, for example. Oh, and just to be on the safe side, parental advisory motionals may be applicationatary. I tend to like to use the word “ass” a lot, as it were, and I will not allow Moi’s passione, if you will, to be restrained. Never let it be said!]


TABLE OF CONTENTS

A) GREETINGS
1) IN MOI’S LIFETIME, OR: BARACK OBAMA, BABY!!
2) THE THRILL OF DEFEAT: REALISACCIONE
3) RAW VEGAN & RUNNER’S UPDATE
4) ARTISTIC PROGRESS UPDATE
5) WHAT I’M READING & SAYING THESE DAYS
6) BLACK WOMEN’S ARTS FESTIVAL UPDATE
7) WITH A LITTLE HELP FOR MEIN FRIENDS
Z) FAREWELL BLESSING


CONTENTS OF TABLE

A) GREETINGS
Well, hello, m’wee pupperlings! How’s life treating you? I hope things are good for you, as good as can be. It is indeed a thrill, a joy, a privilege, and a pleasure to be with you once again via this nifty tool we have called The Internet! If there could be just one song to be the soundtrack to this ediccione, if you will, of ME! ME! ME!, it would be Chuck Brown’s Bustin Loose, so click and enjoy.
I am excited about these holidays, because in addition to spending time with my lovely family of origin in the last week or so, the coming days and week have me spending time with the lucky male types en mi vida. Tomorrow, half the day will be spent in Delaware with my brother and my sister-in-love (bro’s wife), her parents, and my nieces. The other half will be spent with my longtime Philly sweetie, where I’ll be doing my laundry, making our meal and watching cable TV while cuddling on the couch – real homey and domestique! This weekend I’ll be with my Long Island squeeze, whom I only get to see once every two weeks or so, but we talk twice a day and I write him vanilla-walnut scented letters regularment. New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day will be spent near Allentown with The New Guy. Although I’ve been what is now called poly/polyamorous my entire dating life, I’ve been recently talking more about it here and there, and everywhere a.k.a. my One Lucky Girl Blog (details later). I’ve never needed much “support” for this lifestyle before, because I wasn’t really looking to settle down. But now that I am, I’ve joined a popular poly discussion group created by Polyamorous NYC, which I’ve known about for a while and only now am in need of for various reasons you’ll know about if you either read One Lucky Girl or join the discussion group :-). Yes, plenty of poly people “settle down”. Someday I will, too, and you’ll be among the first to know all about my “Ravenheart” adventures! You’ll have to visit Polyamorous NYC to learn what a “ravenheart” is :-)

(Other songs I listened to while writing this: Warren G: Regulate, Steve Vai: Tender Surrender, Biggie Smalls: Juicy, Snoop Dogg - Sensual Seduction, Sade – Cherry Pie, Buddy Guy – Mustang Sallly 1991, Meshell Ndegeocello "The Way" live, )

1) IN MOI’S LIFETIME, OR: BARACK OBAMA, BABY!!
I never imagined in my lifetime that the United States of America would have a black president. When it happened, I had two feelings: one was amazed, thrilled, stunned and almost numb with glee when Obama won. I was living in NYC at the time and foolishly had neglected, because I could never decide which temporary residential address to use on my voter registration update, to register in that state. So when the time came to vote, I traveled to Philadelphia to vote for Sir B.O. (sorry!). When he won, it was really sweet as my paramour was the one to announce it to me while I was traveling back to NYC on the Chinatown bus. “He won,” my guy softly said, as happy as I was (he’s a soft talker :-). It was an intense and surreal experience to be on a bus where everyone was quiet and not really connecting to the outside world and my having to be quiet and respectful, and silent. Not as I’d like to have been, which is shouting and celebrating and making noise as it seemed most everyone in NYC was when I returned. Taxi cabs were honking, crowds of all kinds of progressive-looking white people were in drunken post-election party states returning home in the wee hours of the morning. I had done my part. We had made history. That was the glee part. Then the other matter-of-fact part of me went like this: a) My people are from Haiti. We’re used to black presidents. No big whoop, as my people say (my Jewish people, apparently?!). We’ve even had a black female president, although she wasn’t elected by the people, and she didn’t stay in office for long. b) Obama’s still a politician and I basically don’t trust politicians or anyone who would want to be one.
But I am hopeful and very impressed by him so far. It’s the first time since Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton that I’ve been happy about any president.
I’m grateful to everyone who voted for the President elect. As my friend Kelli Dunham says, you know things are bad when a community organizer is voted president. I pray a lot for the wisdom of Obama and for his safety and that of his family.


2) THE THRILL OF DEFEAT: REALISACCIONE
A few months ago it became evident that I wasn’t ready to be in NYC. I wasn’t ready to move forward in my music and writing career as I’d thought. There were several large and looming issues I’d been able to muddle through in spite of, living in Philly, that New York’s cutthroat everything competition made me aware I was really too weak and vulnerable to handle as I currently am.
At first I thought I’d call this ediccione, if you will, “The Agony of Defeat” (from “The Thrill of Victory, the Agony of Defeat” fame). But then after a few weeks, I realized I wasn’t in that much agony about having been so called defeated. In fact, I was really helped a lot to have this experience, lest I while away another decade or more of just getting by and not living at my full potential – not “taking care of business” as an Elvis Presley-worshipping ex of mine used to say. So, I look at it as the thrill of defeat, because I can now work forward from this point, with clearer vision and the knowledge that I need to acquire different tools to reach my goals.
One of the major things I realized is that I need to deal with my bipolar status. Another thing I realized is that I need a real job. As adventurous as it was for me to move to NYC with no savings and no job, and as impressive as it is that I was able to find and create employment to allow me to perform and rent places to live and never be late nor default on that rent, the facts remain that I was only able to do that enough to survive being in NYC. I was not able to do that and thrive. And while it is true that many people take years and years to establish, and then make a name for, themselves as artists in NYC, I was far from prepared to begin that process. One of the things I’ve decided to do is apply for virtually every kind of financial and community/social service assistance so that I can continue to receive income when I have a debilitating depression, which I have now, hence this newsletter being written literally months after I’d wanted to initially, from weeks before I moved back to Philly. (I did a good year in NYC!)
A typical day for me involves my setting my alarm for 7am and finally getting out of the house around 3 or 4pm. That’s how long it takes me. And that’s on a good day. That’s when I haven’t stayed in bed all the day, sleeping. My former Giovanni’s Room (LGBT bookstore in Philly) co-worker and friendly acquaintance Liz Spikol describes very similar experiences in her latest “Trouble With Spikol” missive in the Philadelphia Weekly. She’s also YouTube-able, by the way :-)
Anyway, there’s much more of this newsletter to write, and I will be, and have been talking about my bipolar issues in my One Lucky Girl Blog. I’ll also be talking about my journey from struggling, under-supported artist who is not being treated to one who is adequately supported and in treatment. I’ll also be talking about my methods of treatment. I would like to avoid taking pharmaceutical drugs (I’ve been on various anti-depressants in the past and have also treated some of my symptoms successfully using natural foods, nutrition, herbs, behavior modificaccione and exercise) and have been talking with the folks of, and often visiting the website of Artists for Recovery to gain insight and resources to natural and alternative treatments to what they call the aftereffects of “emotional hurts”, which I believe many mental illnesses are.

3) RAW VEGAN & RUNNER’S UPDATE
For the last week or so, I’ve been on average 50% raw, drinking green smoothies all day (half greens, half fruit in a blender with water), and eating cooked food in the evening. Ideally it should be the other way around, as GS is so easily digestible I’ve actually seen it called “pre-digested”, that it’s better drunk in the evening if cooked food is going to be part of the day’s diet. But it’s like this because when I’m home, I can stay raw very easily. It’s being out that’s the challenge.
I’m still writing my Green Smoothie Raw Blog which you can view either at my MySpace primary page or on my Live Journal page, as well as my other blogs. I used to have a raw vegan Live Journal page, but I’m finding it’s easier to have just one Live Journal presence. I’m starting a peer support group for aspiring or struggling raw vegans who have survivor/abuse, addiction or other significant issues that make it difficult to give up cooked foods and accept a rapidly changing/shrinking body and the abundance of health, joy, beauty, and order that comes with being raw. If you’d like to know more about this group, which will be meeting in Center City for now, email me at cxmusic(at)gmail.com and I’ll get back to you. The last time I did anything like this was 1996-1999 when I founded and facilitated Sisters Healing Together, a peer support group for women survivors of incest with a special focus on compulsive overeating. We met at the William Way LGBT Community Center twice a month. I also started a support group for artists called Artists in Motion. That one only lasted two meetings. You win some, you lose some! Anyway, I’ll soon be posting on various raw food websites that I’m starting this group, but again, if you’d like to be involved, let me know. Thanks!

Kids know what’s good for ‘em! Here are a couple of adorable clips of toddlers and infants enjoying green smoothie with great energy!

Julian Walker - The Green Smoothie Monster - 6mo

Rio Can’t Get Enough Green Smoothie

I was inspired by Steve Scaduto and Brian Loebig to start keeping a runner’s log. I haven’t run in two months, though, having been stopped by depression in NYC and then additionally distracted by my move, and now in a less pretty neighborhood in which to run. I hope and intend to start up again, soon, however, and almost ran a couple of days ago, but it was too cold. I could’ve run this morning, it was so warm, but I was up til 5am not doing anything remotely sexy, I’ll have you know :-) and by the time I went to sleep, there was no way I was going to get up before 10am!
You can read my Runner’s Log at www.myspace.com/cassendrexavier or http://cassendre.livejournal.com.




4) ARTISTIC PROGRESS UPDATE

MUSIC PROGRESS

I’m going into the studio again! Whoo-hoo! In January, I will be going into Track Record Studio in Delaware, where my brother JEE EYE ZEE will be the recording engineer for my very first affirmation song album! He’s giving me studio time as my Christmas present, and I’m going to finally make the dream come true of recording the first of 2 albums I’ve been wanting to make for over a year. We will begin recording In Divinity’s Hands: Affirmation Songs I, during a weekend and hopefully finish it all in one fell swoop, the way we recorded my studio album Beautiful.
The plan is to record the 10 songs, which are short chants to be sung in jingle-memorable rounds, in an a capella or semi-a capella style, much like my song “Nothing Is All I Need” from my debut album The Whittenberg Sessions. Then we will immediately make mp3s of them and make them available for sale at my MySpace Band Page as well as create an album to be sold in complete form or as separate tracks on my Lulu Storefront. So, within hours after recording, the album will be available for sale digitally. (After a few weeks, it will be available for sale at my CD Baby gallery in both digital and CD format.)
Normally, I would never announce the Track Listing until the record was released, but since this will be the shortest production time I’ve ever experienced, here goeth :-)

In Divinity’s Hands: Affirmation Songs I
Words, music, and performance by Cassendre Xavier (Due Winter 2009)

Track listing:

1. Absolutely Love My Life
2. Raw Vegan Chant
3. I Make Money (not to be mistaken for Money Comes to Me, which will be on the 2nd Affirmation Songs album. I gotta give you something to be hungry and come back for!)
4. Everything Matches
5. Only Positive Thoughts
6. Person of Action
7. Completely Support Myself
8. Speak Up & Demand
9. I Am So Gentle
10. In Divinity’s Hands

At my official YouTube page, you can view lots of videos of me singing various songs, including these affirmations, and also see and hear me talking about what affirmations are and how to use them. I’ve already gotten plenty of positive feedback from people about these songs. Sue Shaffer in Santa Fe, New Mexico recently had a party at which she played my video of “Absolutely Love My Life” and everyone sang along to it! Imagine how much more convenient it would be if there were downloads and CDs available? Well, there will be soon!

It feels really good to finally put this dream into action and being. I’ve had these two tattered flyers with me for months, with the two album titles and twenty songs, and I’ve carried with me from move to move the cassette (yes, cassette!) of the songs recorded. Some of them aren’t even done. I’ll have to add lyrics before the recording session. I would love to very soon go into the studio again in a few weeks to record a studio album of music with guitar – I also have plenty of songs waiting to be recorded. And then after that I want to record the 2nd affirmation song album. So that’s what’s going on with that. I’ll keep you posted, of course :-)

As far as live performance goes, until I have steady income from various sources, I am now busking in Center City’s SEPTA Suburban Station. I’m directly in front of the Philly News Now store, next to the door below the 17th & JFK entrance. If you take the elevator, walk towards Philly News Now, you’ll see me most week days around rush hour (4pm-6pm). I’m often there earlier, but for sure during that time. I play for tips and CD sales. I’m scheduled to play at a Unitarian Universalist Church in Pottstown in February, but I’m awaiting confirmation of the date. I’ll be doing a full 2 hour concert with a break in between and including an Affirmations Sing-Along, which I’ve done before at two house concerts and for a whole month at Arnold’s Way.
You can view all my concert dates at my official MySpace band page: www.myspace.com/cassendrexavierMUSIC.

Lastly, I’m hoping to soon have more CDs, different, no-frills, slimline case kind that I’ll be able to sell not for the $15 I sell my CDs now, but a wee $5! That will be so exciting to have many CD titles and be able to move so many different ones to so many folks. Who can resist a full-length album for $5, I ask you? Not many. Not many :-)


GUIDED MEDITATIONS/RECORDING PROGRESS
As you may know, under my name Amethyste Rah, I released two spoken word, guided meditation recordings in August 2007 called Affirmations for Survivors: Self-Love, and Affirmations for Survivors: Spirituality. A few months ago I started gestating two new albums: Affirmations for Survivors: Life Skills, and Affirmations for Survivors: Sexuality.
A month ago I started writing the content of both. I expect to have both out by the spring. I am going through experiences that are directly giving me what to write. Unfortunately, I’ve had a couple of very bad dates that made me think, “What beliefs would I have to have had to have avoided this situation?” And then I write it down. Painful, but true and necessary. I keep telling myself and the Universe that I’m ready to learn from joy and not struggle, but it’s a process. I consider that the first time I heard that concept I laughed, so it shouldn’t be surprising that years later I still wouldn’t be a pro at learning only from joy.
Anyway, the life skills part is me coming back to Philly and learning to deal with my weaknesses and asking for help and creating a self-care system of support. It’s basically growing up in a way I’d avoided before for various reasons. I’m really excited about that one in particular. I think it’s something that survivors struggle with sometimes for a very long periods – how to care for oneself. As with the other recordings, I’ll let you know of this project’s news and updates as well!

WRITING PROGRESS
I’ve officially started the outline of the manuscript of my first book. I picked one title and concept and everything – finally!! I have no goal right now other than to create content for this book that is relatively cohesive. I’m not announcing the title, because it could change, nor the concept, because it could be copied in the time between completion and publication. But I did tell a close writer friend whom I met years ago in Philly and who now lives and teaches college in North Carolina, and I will let you know when I’ve made further progress on it. It feels good to be finally working on something solid and it’s also fun!


5) WHAT I’M READING & SAYING THESE DAYS
Between my journals and print-outs of mine own writings and bloggational devicery units are the things that occupy my many depressed hours in bed: books!

READING

a) Succulent Wild Woman by SARK Her Inspiration Line is one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. Call anytime you need to be pepped up! (415) 546-3742. www.planetsark.com

b) The Student Bible (New International Version) What? Who says bisexual, pagan, polyamorous girls can’t, or don’t, read The Good Book? I’ve heard they do all the time! At least, that’s what my research shows me :-)

c) Basic Herbs for Health and Healing (featuring tropical herbs of the Caribbean, Latin American, and Africa) by Rashan Abdul Hakim a.k.a Ruddy Duckett. Although I could do without his bashing of “batty [gay] boys”, this is an essential book.

d) The Black Presence in the Bible: Discovering the Black and African Identity of Biblical Persons and Nations by Walter A. McCray. Jesus, Ham, Shem, and so many other cats from the Bible were black? Who knew? You know what, after I heard that Shakespeare was also black, I’ve just decided to think that all the best things in the world were created by black people and we’ll just never know about it. Kind of how my whole life in public school all globes and maps showed Africa as being about a third the size of the USA. What was that about?

e) The Poems of Dylan Thomas This man made me believe in poetry. Before that, all poetry to me just looked like incomplete and lazy prose. I used to actually look up “poetry” in the dictionary. “Highly refined prose” it said, but most of the poetry I saw looked far from refined to me. Once I saw his writing and the way the sounds of his spoken words played around in my mind, I knew I’d come home to poetry. I knew what it was, finally, or what it was supposed to be, or have been, all along.


f) How to Marry the Man of Your Choice by Margaret Kent. This book promises you a husband within 2 years of applying its suggestions. I’ll let you know when I’ve seriously begun, and you can then start the clock ticking, although I don’t think finding a poly or poly-friendly husband is the same, do you? :-)

g) How to Marry the Rich by Ginie Polo Sayles. Because why not? :-)

h) Alvin Ailey: A Life In Dance (Hardcover) by Jennifer Dunning. Another bipolar artist!

i) Kaiso!: Writings by and about Katherine Dunham edited by Veve A. Clark and Sara E. Johnson. Such a rare treasure to see KD’s own words and interviews. Rarer still to see pictures of her husband, who was white, saw other women (poly or philanderer?) and was with her as mate and artistic collaborator for 45 years.

k) I Put A Spell On You: The Autobiography Of Nina Simone. A true original.

l) The Butterfly's Way: Voices from the Haitian Dyaspora in the United States edited by Edwidge Danticat. I’d considered contributing to this anthology but didn’t feel Haitian “enough” to. Once I saw the finished product, I felt I’d made the right decision. I only identified with two of the stories – the Haitian woman who dates white guys, and the Haitian man whose wife is white. Catching a theme here? :-)

m) Spells of a Voodoo Doll: The Poems, Fiction, Essays and Plays of Assotto Saint I love and treasure this book so much. As rare as it is to find openly non-heterosexual black artists, it is rarer still for one to be from such a macho and homophobic region as the West Indies. Assotto Saint a.k.a. Yves Lubin was just that – a black gay man from Haiti who was a multi-media performance and literary artist. He died of AIDS.


SAYING

a) “Never let it be said!” I love ending sentences with that. It just makes me feel, whole and special in a way that nothing else does.
b) “Shake ‘n bake!” Just one of the wisest, most perfect and brilliant things ever said in a little movie I like to call Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Here’s another wee sampling of why this movie is one of my faves of all time.
c) “Albeit.” One of my lucky guys likes this word so I try to work it into as many sentences as possible, albeit.



6) BLACK WOMEN’S ARTS FESTIVAL UPDATE
The 6th Annual Black Women’s Arts Festival is scheduled for July 30th thru Aug 2nd 2009. Volunteers are needed in every area from event production to fundraising. If you’d like to be involved, and are a respectful person from the humyn so-called race, please contact BWAFphilly(at)yahoo.com or visit www.BWAFphilly.com. To visit or join the BWAF Yahoo Group, go to
www.groups.yahoo.com/group/BWAFphilly or send a blank email to: BWAFphilly-subscribe(at)yahoogroups.com.


6) WITH A LITTLE HELP FOR MEIN FRIENDS
These are people I actually know who are doing things I actually like :-)

a) JEE EYE ZEE – producer, recording engineer, Delaware and NJ
b) Matt Davis – guitarist, Philly
c) Kim Boldrini – photographer and cellist, NYC
d) Kiebpoli - Arial Rope Classes, NYC
e) Amber – hair artist and co-owner of Rasa salon, Philadelphia
f) Melanie Jones (You Don’t Have To Be Teeny To Be A Yogini), Philly
g) Janet Mason – writer, Philly
h) Arnold Kauffman – owner of Arnold’s Way Raw Vegetarian Café & Store, Lansdale PA
i) Sarah Stefana Smith – photographer, Philly
j) Vikki Wright – musician, singer, songwriter, bandleader, Philly
k) Lacey C. Clark! Sisters’ Sanctuary, Los Angeles
l) Jake Morelli – musician, Philly
m) Roia Rafieyan – musician, singer-songwriter, NJ
n) Ganessa James – musician, singer-songwriter, NYC


Z) FAREWELL BLESSING

~May you stay healthy, wealthy, and young forever.
~May your self-contained joy inspire others.
~May you nurture your true friendships.
~May you experience exquisite pleasure on a regular basis.
~May your path be clear and steady.
~May all of your best dreams and wishes come true, surpassing all your expectations (or something better), and may it be for the good of all.


Sincerely,

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah
renaissance negresse
www.cassEndrExavier.com



The Cassendre Xavier Glossaire (or Definiccione of Terms)

Bloggational devicery units: blogs
definiccione: definition
domestique: domestic
ediccione: edition
fashione: fashion
glossaire: glossary
modificaccione: modification
motionals: ?!
“Negresse, Negre: In the French- and Spanish-speaking Caribbean Islands, these words often have a connotation of affection, entirely non-racial in meaning. ‘Ma petite negresse, mon negre, are equivalent to ‘My dear, my darling, my sweet.’” – From Masters of the Dew, a contemporary classic novel by the Haitian author Jacques Roumain, translated by Langston Hughes and Mercer Cook.
realisaccione: realization
regularment: regularly
renaissance negresse: a black chyk who does lots of stuff in the creative-type realm, as it were. (If you will.)



BONUS: QUOTE OF THE MONTH
“I’m a fruitarian. The more fruit I eat, the more I’m open to new experiences.” Arnold Kauffman, owner of Arnold’s Way Raw Vegetarian Café & Store



ARTIST BIO
Cassendre Xavier is a self-described “renaissance negresse”. Although she also enjoys acting and making visual art, this first generation American-born citizen of Haitian and Chinese heritage is mainly a musician and a writer. As a singer-songwriter/guitarist, Cassendre has released 7 albums of music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade, and Enya” (Borders Music Expert Steven M. Wilson). Her sound has also often been compared to that of Roberta Flack, Joan Armatrading, Joni Mitchell, Pheobe Snow, and India.Arie, among others. Her latest musical recording, “Live at Tin Angel” was honorably mentioned as #9 of “Top 21 Local LPs of 2007” (M.J. Fine, Philadelphia City Paper). Under her self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman), she has a growing line of spoken word guided meditation recordings called “Affirmations for Survivors”, the first two being “Spirituality” and “Self-Love”. Her “snappy and redeeming” (Karen Gross, Philadelphia City Paper) multi-genre writing has been published nationally in various literary anthologies and periodicals, as well as previously self-published chapbooks “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and “Making of a Woman/Artist: a book for every black girl and every black woman who has ever wanted to be an artist”. She wrote, directed, and starred in a 5-actor play called “Sex for Survivors” which ran for three days in the Philly Fringe Festival 2003. An award-winning cultural arts advocate, Cassendre is the founder and former director of several arts initiatives in Philadelphia including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Robin’s Bookstore, 2002-2006) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (The Rotunda and other venues, 2003-present). She received a $15,000 Leeway Transformation Award in 2005 for her work in art and change. Currently based in Philadelphia, Cassendre practices an active, raw vegan lifestyle, making friendship bracelets, and getting as many naps and hot dates in as possible. Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com.




If you like ME! ME! ME! The Cassendre Xavier Newsletter, you’ll love One Lucky Girl Blog, Green Smoothie Raw Blog, and Runner’s Log, viewable at www.myspace.com/cassendrexavier and http://cassendre.livejournal.com.



(c) Copyright 2008 by Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah. All rights reserved.


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