Runner’s Log 10/4/08 - 10/12/08

Cassendre Xavier is a chyk who does stuff and thinks too much. [Complete bio at the end of this here thingie.]


04 Oct 08
[Total running time: 15 minutes. Tension headache – felt in better shape than at the last run.]

Knew when headed to Philly this weekend that I’d run along Kelly Drive. Half a block down from the Black Women’s Arts Festival office (which was where I’d be spending much of today) there’s a body of water and all kinds of inviting foliage, tons of runners, walkers, and cyclists. I used to always say when coming here to work, “I really should come here sometime to enjoy the view,” but I never did. I only passed it on the way to and fro. But coming all the way from New York city is different.
I brought my running shoes with me. At first they were in a bag, but then I realized I wanted to show them off, the way I do my yoga mat. So I freed them from the bag and tied them by lace to my strap of the outside of my tote bag/purse. Now, dangling from my bag as I walked was public proof that on occasion, I actually exercise.
When I got to the office, I picked up my mail. The Butch Cookbook arrived and looked fabulous! I checked out my entry “Semi-Raw Chocolate Fudge” and saw that my recipe had been “femme-tested”. I also looked for the pictures which are on their website and found none. A big, hefty book. Much mention in it of The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book which I just so happened have been reading and enjoying for months. I made a mental note to add The Butch Cookbook to my bibliography. Info: www.butchcookbook.com.
Then I put on my running shoes and right away went to meet the river. I saw, finally, my first black woman runner, and made this new discovery: I want to be a cyclist!
Cyclists have the coolest outfits, the coolest gear, make the best impression, and have less impact on their knees (I’m guessing).
Unlike running, I feel confident that I could hold my own in speed and endurance with cycling, and much more quickly meet my fitness goals.
Lowest on the public fitness totem pole? Speed walking. Impact-wise, it may be the best way to work out (second only to swimming) but sure is funny-looking.


07 Oct 08

[15 minutes total running time. Tension headache – felt the same as at the last run, slightly better because of the Powerade :-).]

TOTAL RUNNING TIME
Writing “total running time” makes me very happy because it’s the same thing each track gets on a full-length record. I remember figuring out the TRT on The Whittenberg Sessions and every time I typed it into the computer for each forthcoming CD it was exciting and fulfilling.


LESS, NOT MORE, SUPPORT
I think I’ll wear a measly 2, instead of the vice-like 3 bras I’ve been wearing to run. The tightness, while even an earthquake or Zeus himself couldn’t shake them, made me breathless, and not in a good way. I want to breathe, and if that means I have to bounce a little more in order to free up my diaphragm, then so shall it need to be.


MY FIRST DOM
I had another pleasant memory on my run today: passed by a pricy wine shoppe – as I always do. This time I looked a little more, imagining that I was rich and had a cellar. Then I saw the Dom Perignon vintage champagne in the window. I flashed back to my move to Ahimsa (a dreamy 7-person women’s collective household I lived in for 4 of the happiest and most fulfilling years of my life) back in 1991. It was my first move from my folks house, and into the big world. One of my dearest friends brought me a bottle of Dom to celebrate. I was and am still deeply moved by his gesture. I kept the bottle for years as a keepsake and decoration. I kept a candle in it, which I would on occasion light. Hadn’t thought of that for many years, that Dom and my friend’s gesture. And haven’t seen a bottle of it since. But that’s gonna change, my friends… that’s a gonna change – whoo-hoo!
[P.S. And if you thought that by “Dom” I was going to refer to my first Dominant boyfriend, well, surely I would more respect than to refer to him as “Dom”, wouldn’t I? :-) And trust me, when I get to talking about those years, I certainly will not keep them to brief paragraphs.]


BLACK WOMEN SPOTTED
…just going about their business or pushing caucasian children in strollers, but not running.


A TIME TO RUN
After tweezing my face, drinking Powerade (which the raw vegan side of me doesn’t approve of but the cooked/meat eater side finds very effective if drunk 30 minutes prior to exercisal activities) and other such glamorous things to prepare for my run, I noticed it was not yet time to run and be out among the after work throngs. I am combining my efforts when I run. I do it for exercise (and of course to write this cool blog) but I also see it as an opportunity to possibly meet Someone Special (hence the cute ‘do and eyeliner, heh-heh!). So I try to be aware of when and where I run.
It was before 5pm and at first I thought, “There won’t be many guys out – they’re all at work.” But I kept thinking “So what? I want to go now, so I’m going to go now.” Then I remembered in Ginnie Sayles’s book “How to Marry the Rich” she says that it’s best to go out when everyone’s at work because that’s generally when the rich come out to run the few errands their staff aren’t running. They do that because it’s less crowded that way.
I remember when I’ve been a full-time self-employed artist that I’ve done the same thing – I’ve gone to do laundry on a weekday at noon as opposed to a weekend, because I know I’d have the place virtually to myself. Same thing with shopping for food – I’d go between 1pm and 3pm or so.
So before 5pm I went running and witnessed, inhaled the auras of, and felt myself among the monied.

TECHNIQUE & LAUGHTER
Usually about 5 or 6 blocks into my run, I start to laugh. This time I noticed at nearly the end of my run that I hadn’t laughed. I decided it might have something to do with technique.
In Philly on Saturday when I ran across Falls Bridge along Kelly Drive, I saw a woman running with her legs more bent at the knees than mine were when I ran. I attempted to copy her style, which I’ve found more comfortable and having (seemingly) less impact on my knees, which is good, because I’m both a heavy girl and my shoes are far from new and in tippy toppy shape.
Tonight as I ran, I guessed that when children run in play, they don’t jog, and that may be why I laughed during the faster, higher impacted actual running (albeit slowly), and not when I was using the newer model of sensible mature jogging. I implemented my theory and was giggling again in no time.

Altogether an effective run. I took many less walking breaks, and felt my heart beating fast and steady from beginning to end.


09 Oct 2008

[Total Running Time: 10 minutes. Other black female runners sighted: 0. I was just thinking about two guys I know who keep running logs – both white, and how silly it would be if they both always included how many, if any at all, other white guys they saw out running: “Other white males running: 3. White male runner sighting: 4, etc.”]

Huffy and puffy with mild chest pain. Feel so out of shape but so proud and happy to have dressed and gone running when I could’ve stayed home and slept after a long day at a stressful job. Am thinking it would be really great to write shorter logs that were filled with more actual exercise.
Stepped in dog doo!! Occupational hazard of running at night as opposed to in daylight. Didn’t get cute to run tonight. Felt closer to God and Self as a result. Just doin’ it for the health of it tonight. I want more frequent entries. I want longer running times, too, but I’m satisfied with my progress so far.


12 Oct 2008

[Total Running Time: 10 minutes. Black female runner sightings: 0.]
My God, am I dying? I felt like I was dying out there – chest pains – a huffin’ and a puffin’ – could barely catch my breath. Feel like I’ve gained 4-5 lbs in the last two weeks eating chicken and dumpling stew, garlic knots, and late night candy of the gummal sort (Gummie Bears, Lifesaver Gummy Berry flavor). I love the clear ones. You know how celebrities, some of them anyway, have that thing where they ask, or make people do stuff for them like pick out certain color candies and fill big bowls with them and put them in their green rooms? Well, when it’s my turn, if I’m raw vegan, I should probably say “when I’m raw vegan” it’ll be one thing, but if I’m not raw and I’m eating candy, I will request, or demand bowls of clear gummy anything. The clear ones are SOOO GOOOD. So I buy the bags, pick out the clear ones, and pile the clear ones by my pillow and read while I munch and marvel whether this one is supposed to be white grape and what’s that one supposed to be and what chemicals are in there but my don’t they know how to make those chemicals taste great and then I go to sleep and hope I don’t get cavities. Real smart, huh? Well, the tooth angels must really love themselves some Moi because I’ve made it this far with n’eer a single cavitational unit so go figure. In all fairness, I never regularly ate candy in bed before, either. This is a new thing…just this past couple of weeks. But I’m the Queen of Digressment… I’ve been eating a lot of white flour, sugar, and salt. Not good. But I got myself out running tonight, and that’s very, very good. Ain’t too proud to say I walked the entire way back, but it was either that or croak unglamorously in sneaks. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatique. I felt pretty bad while running. Not all was uncomfortable. The walking part was nice…and then of course there are always the…

Highlights:
~Look, ma, no dog poop! They key, apparentment, is to run no later than 6pm. That way, I can see where the goshdarned heck I’m goin’ and what the goshdarned heck I’m steppin’ in.
~Ran next to three cute guys running (a different guy, three separate occasiones). Well, I ran past them. But they did notice Moi’s cleavage (pronounced “clay-VAHJ”). Spaghetti straps and lace really flatter Moi. Felt good to be out running next to some boy candy for a change. After all, I’m not (only) doing this for my health ;-)


Links that care:
Two White Guys Running! (The original inspiracciones, if you will, of this Runner’s Log.)
Steverino (not his real name – just tryin’ to annoy him!) http://www.myspace.com/thescaduto
Bri-ski (again, taking crazy liberties, heh-heh!) http://www.myspace.com/brianloebig


(c) Copyright 2008 by Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah. All rights reserved.


Cassendre Xavier is a self-described “renaissance negresse”. Although she also enjoys acting and making visual art, this first generation American-born citizen of Haitian and Chinese heritage is mainly a musician and a writer. As a singer-songwriter/guitarist, Cassendre has released 7 albums of music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade, and Enya” (Borders Music Expert Steven M. Wilson). Her sound has also often been compared to that of Roberta Flack, Joan Armatrading, Joni Mitchell, Pheobe Snow, and India.Arie, among others. Her latest musical recording, “Live at Tin Angel” was honorably mentioned as #9 of “Top 21 Local LPs of 2007” (M.J. Fine, Philadelphia City Paper). Under her self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman), she has a growing line of spoken word guided meditation recordings called “Affirmations for Survivors”, the first two being “Spirituality” and “Self-Love”. Her “snappy and redeeming” (Karen Gross, Philadelphia City Paper) multi-genre writing has been published nationally in various literary anthologies and periodicals, as well as previously self-published chapbooks “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and “Making of a Woman/Artist: a book for every black girl and every black woman who has ever wanted to be an artist”. She wrote, directed, and starred in a 5-actor play called “Sex for Survivors” which ran for three days in the Philly Fringe Festival 2003. An award-winning cultural arts advocate, Cassendre is the founder and former director of several arts initiatives in Philadelphia including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Robin’s Bookstore, 2002-2006) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (The Rotunda and other venues, 2003-present). She received a $15,000 Leeway Transformation Award in 2005 for her work in art and change. Now reinventing herself as a musician and writer in her native city of New York, Cassendre practices an active, raw vegan lifestyle, braiding her own hair extensions, and getting as many naps and hot dates in as possible. Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com.

One Lucky Girl Blog 9/28/08

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah is a self-described “renaissance negresse” (musician/writer/actress/visual artist). Known mostly as a musician and a writer, she is the award-winning founder and former director of Philadelphia’s annual Black Women’s Arts Festival (est. 2003). One Lucky Girl is the title of a song on the CX recording “live at the kraftbrau, kalamazoo”. (http://cdbaby.com/cd/xavierc6)

TABLE OF CONTENTATIONAL QUALITIES

1) GETTING CLOSER TO LULU

2) MOTHERING BLUES

3) NEW YORK, NEW YORK

4) SEX, LOVE, & ROMANCE

CONTENTS OF TABLAGE

1) GETTING CLOSER TO LULU

So my whole thing lately is doing what feels good and not doing what doesn’t feel good. That’s the formula. It’s not feeling good to wait and wait and wait and think that I’m supposed to study and do research to find a literary agent and start trying to find publishers and have a so-called proper outlet for my writing. What does feel good is knowing that I can easily and quickly post my writings at Lulu.com and have them turned into books which can be ordered on demand, at no cost to me. I keep going back to Lulu in my mind, and found in my collection two books by friends who self-published on Lulu (Victor Sjodin and Lacey C. Clark). What had been holding me back for months, well, okay, maybe years at this point, is that the layout process seems to be challenging, at least that’s what my associate Niama L. Williams said. So I didn’t do it. But now I’m thinking, if she could do it, why can’t I learn? And who knows, it may be easier for me, because I love the internet and typing and I have a facility with all that stuff. Anyway, so I’m going to try it. I am creating manuscripts by writing in my journal and then transcribing them and putting them on MySpace, LiveJournal and Blogspot. I find that’s easier than saving them in flashdrives or in gmail. So I’m going into my Lulu account to look at all the projects I started a couple of years ago – books I thought I’d do but didn’t because the layout process seemed so daunting.

It’s my dream to take all this stuff and put it online so you can order it in book or download format at your convenience. I’ll keep you posted.

2) MOTHERING BLUES

I never had a kid but the Black Women’s Arts Festival. It’s five now and I’ve let it go for a while to grow up a little and develop itself without me. It’s been very easy to do in some ways, I’m less stressed – (my hair’s finally growing back!) – I can focus on becoming the artist I’ve always wanted to be – not some nonprofit director that I was not put on the planet to be. However, some things are bothering me, which I’m not yet at liberty to speak of. Things were said of me in the press that I feel were highly disrespectful, not to mention inaccurate. I’ve been waiting to make a statement with BWAF leadership, so that we present a united front. I wish I could curate more of the event – which was totally an option, but I chose to not expend more energy than I have at this point. You parents know what I’m talking about – you want them to be a certain way, but you have to let them go and be themselves. I have always and still have the dream of producing BWAFs internationally: BWAF Paris, BWAF Berlin – not establishing non-profits there, just putting on events. I don’t know if the current management will go for that or if in the years I am ready to really do it the management at the time will be interested. Sometimes I worry that I will lose my baby to people whose styles are absolutely nothing like mine and that it will cease being what I dreamt it to be and will become something else entirely – something that I would have no interest in attending, but that is well-funded and well advertised nonetheless. I remind myself that regardless of what happens, I AM the black women’s arts festival and if I want I can always put on an event with a different name that is the essence of what I created to begin with. That dream will never be lost. I trust that all is well and I rejoice in the newfound freedom to focus only on my art and life, letting BWAF go and be what it’s going to be. I also remind myself that anytime I want I can go back (which most likely will be something like being on the board of directors – something I have no desire to do at this time). For now, I must settle for watching silently from sidelines, like any responsible parent would.

3) NEW YORK, NEW YORK

As B.B. says, the thrill is indeed gone. Well, not completely. While it’s still impressive to walk among clearly very rich people and people from all over the world, and this on a daily basis, I have more than ever a need for quiet.

When I have visited NYC in the past, from childhood on, I have always felt this was a vibrant, wonderful exciting city…to visit. I was always glad to leave it and return to our quiet, grass and tree-filled suburban neighborhood. NYC is exciting. It is thrilling. It is vibrant. It does have a super high level of energy which in part is brought to it by so many ambitious, firey spirited people who are here to put their thing down and do some thangs. However, this energy never, ever stops. It never rests. That’s not good for me. Even when it’s quiet here where I live, I can feel the energy. I’m very sensitive and I know I’m not fully at rest. I don’t think I can stay here forever. Even if I were super rich and lived in a suburb of NYC, I would know that not far was The Energy. Perhaps that would be the solution. Perhaps there are places, for example where the O’Donnell’s (Rosie und zie Kelli) are raising their kids, that I could live and be protected from the wild spirit of NYC. I don’t know, but that’s a way off, budget-wise. For now, I see this town as my school. I’m here for an intensive on BECOMING THE ARTIST I’M SUPPOSED TO BE. That’s what I’m here for – not permanently settling for life. I appreciate the good things here- I really do.

In Andy Warhol’s “Philosophy of…” he talks about how boring it is to see the same gorgeous people all the time in Sweden. He says in Sweden once you see someone who isn’t tall and thin, blond and gorgeous, you think THEY’RE beautiful, because at least it’s something different. I’m finding that to be the case with NYC. Once you’ve been in Union Square and seen the magic there – or been at the place where all the TV shows are (I don’t know the names of these areas!) and see countless limos and so-called important people… I mean, I’m getting bored!

It’s still exciting to see clothing I know isn’t American. I still drool over a tailored suit and odd looking women’s boots and hairstyles and makeup I know are done at the kinds of salons that celebrities go to. That’s still kind of exciting. But really, it’s getting kind of old. It was exciting at first. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I want to go to Europe – for a change of pace. I’m 39. It’s high time I go. I’ve been wanting to go since I was in my teens. I’m glad I’m in NYC. It’s training me for a better life. But like a parent, what it’s training me for is to go, to leave it and to make something of myself, and then return and make them proud.

4) SEX, LOVE, & ROMANCE

Privacy is something I’ve been thinking about lately – what to say that will be truthful, entertaining, and yet not make my future paramours feel that they can’t get involved with Moi lest the world (at least the world of my readership) be made aware of all our goings on. So I am more and more conscious of what I say and how I say it and who I say it about.

I’ve been feeling a combination of contentedly single and a wee bit lonely for a huggy bear bed mate lately. If I still lived in Philly it wouldn’t be so much of a problem, because that’s where my huggiest bear bed mate lives. However, I’m not in Philly. And I’ve gotten to a picky place now where I won’t settle for just a warm male body. I want not only a brain but ambition and passion and some kind of resources that will elevate me to a better place on all levels. Not just someone to shag and watch movies with. I’m convinced I will meet these types or perhaps even a significant other of some deep substance, through following my dreams, doing what brings me the most pleasure creatively, and taking some risks.

I learned a lesson recently in not making assumptions.

There’s a new Brazillian restaurant near the McDonald’s I was working in. Months ago I walked in and checked it out when ordering something. I wanted to work there, but I told myself the following stories: Brazilians are racist. I saw this tall white guy, in his 40s, bald, head chef, totally my type (or one of them), and I assumed: he’s probably totally prejudiced. He’s Brazilian and doesn’t date black chyks. So then I ordered my cheese bread (which I’m convinced are The Devil).

Well, last Wednesday I noticed a “help wanted” sign in the window. I went in, and talked to the guy. We were totally checking each other out. I was surprised! Two days later, I brought in my resume. We sat down and talked. He said my resume was “impressive”. He had a French accent. He pronounced my name the proper way. I asked, “Are you French?” He reacted the same disgusted and offended way Belgian sleuth Hercules Poirot did when he was (often) mistaken for French, so I said, “Belgian?” and he proudly nodded a confirmation of this. He hired me on the spot. My resume said I was conversational in French and Haitian Kreyol. When he saw my photo ID (to copy along with my Social Security card) he said, “Se vrement Kreyol ou ye!” (Which means “You really are Haitian!”) I replied, “Kijan ou konen Kreyol con sa?” (How is it you know Kreyol?) He said, “When you find something really beautiful, you go out of your way to learn all you can about it.” So not only was this guy not a racist Brazilian, but he was a Belgian who is not only into black chyks but into black people from the country of my parents. I felt like telling him, hey why don’t you and my ex-girlfriend get together and talk Kreyol? (Two white people speaking Kreyol – which I thought was hilarious until I remembered there are plenty of white people in Haiti who speak Kreyol – and some of them even call themselves Haitian!)

Anyway I started working there last week. I’m gonna kill in tips and more importantly, my new boss, The Belgian, is gonna help me in my plans to tour Europe. He said I should definitely go to Belgium. He said lots of famous and successful singers got their start there – singing in French. Celine Dion, Julio Iglesias, and Wayne Newton were the three he mentioned. He used to run a major club there and still has connections there. I’m going to give him my CD tomorrow.

(c) Copyright 2008 by Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah. All rights reserved.

Cassendre Xavier is a self-described “renaissance negresse”. Although she also enjoys acting and making visual art, this first generation American-born citizen of Haitian and Chinese heritage is mainly a musician and a writer. As a singer-songwriter/guitarist, Cassendre has released 7 albums of music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade, and Enya” (Borders Music Expert Steven M. Wilson). Her sound has also often been compared to that of Roberta Flack, Joan Armatrading, Joni Mitchell, Pheobe Snow, and India.Arie, among others. Her latest musical recording, “Live at Tin Angel” was honorably mentioned as #9 of “Top 21 Local LPs of 2007” (M.J. Fine, Philadelphia City Paper). Under her self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman), she has a growing line of spoken word guided meditation recordings called “Affirmations for Survivors”, the first two being “Spirituality” and “Self-Love”. Her “snappy and redeeming” (Karen Gross, Philadelphia City Paper) multi-genre writing has been published nationally in various literary anthologies and periodicals, as well as previously self-published chapbooks “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and “Making of a Woman/Artist: a book for every black girl and every black woman who has ever wanted to be an artist”. She wrote, directed, and starred in a 5-actor play called “Sex for Survivors” which ran for three days in the Philly Fringe Festival 2003. An award-winning cultural arts advocate, Cassendre is the founder and former director of several arts initiatives in Philadelphia including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Robin’s Bookstore, 2002-2006) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (The Rotunda and other venues, 2003-present). She received a $15,000 Leeway Transformation Award in 2005 for her work in art and change. Now reinventing herself as a musician and writer in her native city of New York, Cassendre practices an active, raw vegan lifestyle, braiding her own hair extensions, and getting as many naps and hot dates in as possible. Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com.

ME! ME! ME! European Dreaming ediccione

ME! ME! ME! The Cassendre Xavier Newsletter

The “European Dreaming” ediccione, if you will. (As it were.)

[Parental advisory units may be applicational a.k.a. “applicationary”.]

09 Oct 2008

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah is a self-described “renaissance negresse” (musician/writer/actress/visual artist). Known mostly as a musician and a writer, she is the award-winning founder and former director of Philadelphia’s annual Black Women’s Arts Festival (est. 2003). Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com (Full bio at the end of this newsletter.)

A) GREETINGS

1) EUROPEAN DREAMING

2) ARTISTIC PROGRESS UPDATE

3) WHAT I’M READING, WHAT I’M LISTENING TO

4) WITH A LITTLE HELP FOR MEIN (AQUARIAN) FROINDS

Z) FAREWELL BLESSING

A) GREETINGS

Hi, there! It is good for me to be joining thyself again in this most particular way. I trust that you are feeling, whole, healthy, and truly sexified. Hope you’re having good days and great days and that the not-so-dreamy ones decrease as the super duper ones multiplificate (a.k.a. “multiplize”).

The most effective things I am doing these days are:

~Focusing my thoughts on past, present, or future circumstances that make me feel good to think about, remember, or visualize

~Continually increasing the possibilities of good things in my life, and

~Following those thoughts and affirmations with like action

I’m also recognizing the importance of flocking with birds of a like feather, not of where I am currently, but where I would like to be in a few years. I want to be in the winning circle.

Lastly, I am telling the truth, to myself and to the world about who I am, what I want, how I work. This can be pretty scary to do sometimes, being a person who is letting go of a lifetime need for others’ approval, and simultaneously says/does/writes/sings a lot of things that many would disapprove of. But I try to stay with it, using as my inspiraccione the image of myself totally in love and surrounded by people, projects, and circumstances which suit me perfectly as I am.

1) EUROPEAN DREAMING

So, with no job and just a little over $300 in my primary checking account, I arrived by ten dollar Chinatown bus ride to this grand ol’ city of New York in December 2007. I thought then that the goal was to work my *ass off to create a buzz in this place and snag myself an equally grand but not too “ol’” deal or “contract” if you will, of the recordational sort.

Soon, however, after booking and playing over a dozen mediocre to downright sucky giggational devices, I realized the goal was to actually almost start from the ground up and discover and redesign my whole act as a musician/recording artist altogether. I also started seriously wishing to tour Europe as a musician, in particular Scandinavia. I feel drawn to Europe for various creative and personal/cultural reasons and I feel strongly that this move, however short or long, will boost my presence in the music world.

However, I’m still here to make the most of my time in New York. I feel I was called here to use the power that is in this city to do what I need to do to make the most of my talent(s). Who knew that New York was calling me here to prepare Moi for Europe?!

Since I’ve told a few people about this, I’ve been often asked, “So, are you in Denmark yet? So, how are the plans to tour Europe coming along?” etc… And I have to remind them, “It took me TWO YEARS to get to NYC after I started seriously wanting to move there!” So even though I’m talking about it now, don’t expect the next ME! ME! ME! to be sent to you from Oslo! I don’t expect it to take as long as it did to get me to New York (in fact, I’m talking about it publicly to hopefully decrease the wait time) but it will take some time for me to go from the wishing stage to the airplane with everything necessary in place to securely make this temporary (or permanent?) relocation. For centuries, there have been American-born female and male artists of various genres and so-called “races” who have sought and found success in Europe. I look forward to becoming one of them – fully myself and fully appreciated as an artist (and with your ongoing interest of my work, which I very much appreciate, thank you!). I am beginning the process of doing so, now, here, in the Good Ol’ U.S. of A.

2) ARTISTIC PROGRESS UPDATE

Music:

One of the biggest, most important things I’ve done recently is decided to stop looking for musical models of what I want to be and do. I used to search through YouTube and the internet for black women lead electric guitarists who were musically a cross between Tania Maria, Sade, and Stevie Ray Vaughan. Needless to say, I never found them, because I am that.

I recognize that, after countless hours watching:

~Lita Ford - Not really active on the scene anymore, isn’t black, doesn’t write her own songs, but does/did play electric lead guitar. Also is thin, white, and had big blonde hair, so I couldn’t really relate to, or identify with her.

~Chrissie Hynde - Plays electric guitar, writes her own songs which can be smooth and sexy, and leads a band, but she’s not black and she doesn’t play lead.

~Bonnie Raitt - Plays electric lead guitar and leads her band, but doesn’t doesn’t write her own songs, doesn’t have a smooth and sexy song style, and isn’t black.

~Deborah Coleman – Is black, does play lead electric guitar and lead her band, but writes very few of the songs on her albums, and usually plays the boppy type of blues that’s not really sexy to Moi.

~Tania Maria – Is black enough (to Moi), does play incredibly smooth and sexy music, leads her band in every way, but plays the piano. Man, if this chyk would put on a corset and play electric lead guitar, yowza!

~Sade – Is black, writes her own very smooth and sexy songs, leads her band, but plays no instrumentational devices. But that’s okay, bandmate Stuart Matthewman does all of the above and that’s why he’s my boyfriend, I mean “hero”. Heh-heh :-)

So after all this role-model-seekage (a.k.a. “seekery”), I finally realized, Hey! I AM the chyk I’m looking for!! So I am practicing to become a cross between a (very slow-playing!) Stevie Ray Vaughan, Sting, Tania Maria, Sade, Bonnie Raitt, and Chrissie Hynde for you. Just because you asked! Just kiddin’…just because I need to, just because it’s who I’m finally realizing I am.

a) I’ve posted several new songs on YouTube, and check out my “favorites” which include songs of mine that were filmed by Kim Boldrini at one of her art gatherings

b) I’ve been practicing and enjoying playing lead guitar. I found an electric guitar in my budget in a store a few doors from my job, played it and I love it. I am visualizing myself having that, or a similar guitar and amp, soon, and playing lead and having a really great time. I’ve been thinking about what kind of band I want to have.

c) I’ve been practicing following my heart artistically and only doing what I want to do. I’m convinced that this is one of the primary things that has served high level, longstanding artists like Barbra Streisand and Prince well: having and not letting go of their creative visions and preferences.

d) I am developing concepts and songs for future albums. I’m most excited about my two forthcoming Affirmation Song albums, of which I have already the album titles and 20 songs (10 songs each album). I am also very excited about the instrumental and worded songs that will have harmony chanting and lead electric guitar. And I am really very super excited about having more songs about my own very special love of the whole menstruational process. I am writing mostly parodies of hit songs, changing the words to match the “I Love My Period” sentiment (“On the Rag Again” being my first and hopefully shining example), but one or two originals also. And in living my life, I am creating the material for my next two spoken word guided meditation recordings from my Affirmations for Survivors series (recorded under my self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman). Hopefully in 2009 I hope to release “Life Skills” and “Sexuality” to join “Spirituality” and “Self-Love” which were released in August 2007. [My performances of “On the Rag Again”, “Money Comes To Me”, and “Absolutely Love My Life” can be heard and seentified at my official YouTube page: www.youtube.com/cassEndrExavier

Writing:

a) I am allowing and giving myself complete permission to write as I wish and dream. I am being as prolific as my thoughts and typing allow, not censoring myself with ego or criticism. I am thoroughly enjoying writing and releasing my Dreamlogue and Interpretaccione series through various free internet sources, including MySpace, LiveJournal, and Blogspot, being foremost concerned with keeping the flow of creative energy going from me to my readers, and secondmost being as bold and truthful as I can. To give you some idea of what the “Dreamlogues and Interpretacciones” are like, the most recent titles have been:

Yoko Ono & Brad Pitt’s Art Class

Crystal Underwear

Sex Addict/Food Addict

Murder of a Lady Doctor

The Competing Cyclist Brothers

Scene from 40 Year Old Virgin

Meeting Charles Aznavour

I’ve been writing these for years and all they are is my logging my dreams and then analyzing them for meaning. It is my intention that they be entertaining to read (remaining truthful), and of course I also want them to be of use in, and an improvement to, my waking life.

b) I am thinking of publishers and literary agents and imagining myself as a star in that whole big party. I’ve taken myself in my mind from the outside of this scene to not only the inside, but into the middle of it. I have made myself, in my own mind, literary siblings with **Dany Laferriere, Maya Angelou, Anais Nin in that I imagine big checks coming to me and direct deposits going electronically right into my various accounts seconds after posting my writing online. I imagine having a powerful and likeable legal team to protect my intellectual property, and I now allow myself to feel secure as if this were already the case. I imagine creating a large and vibrant fanbase of readers who await my next words, not because they are well-written or funny, but because they are extensions of me as an artist and of my own desire to be myself and have fun being creative, therefore encouraging my readers to do the same.

The fact that my writing this freely brings me so much joy (so much that a large amount of money coming to me regularly for it would only be a very small extra) confirms that my wish will happen and is on its way.

Also, I received my copy of The Butch Cookbook, to which I’d supplied a recipe, and the book is really great! For more, please visit www.butchcookbook.com.

Acting:

I’ve been running and doing yoga regularly – activities which pay attention to my body, which is my primary instrument as an actor. I also look at Mo’Nique and Queen Latifah – big Black girls who made it first in their primary artistic fields and then became actors in major film productions. I identify with them and see myself in the early stages of development of a future similar situation. I focus not on the kinds of films they’re doing, but the fact that they’re both black and non-thin. It’s much easier to identify with them for this reason than it is for me to do that with singer and actress Diana Ross, for example, who describes herself as “a featherweight” and who has been this way for her whole entire life, even after giving birth several times.

Becoming more conscious of my body, thinking about how I hold it when stressed (a la Alexander Technique, and imagining future collaborations and projects with actors and filmmakers, playwrights, etc. is very exciting. I really feel like I’m gestating some future good stuff here. Like I’m a totem pole of talent and creativity, beginning with music, then writing, and then down the line. What I recognize also is that it’s important to be a totem pole of action and self-marketing and self-promotion. Got to get in gear. Whenever I’m in gear, I feel most like an actress. I never “feel like a musician”, though. Feel like a writer ALL the time. Interesting. Oh, I also often daydream that I’m in an acting class or being coached by Larry Moss. Like, after I’ve made it as a singer, I have this opportunity to act, as this ex-football player wrote a play about this life and Larry helped him bring it to life on the stage. I fancy that I’ve become successful in music and writing and then have these opportunities to work in the field. I also am always fantasizing about the scenes from Tootsie where Dustan Hoffman’s character Michael Dorsey is teaching acting. Amazing. I LOVE those scenes! I am so dreaming of being in scenes like that, of being a total slave and surrendering to the process of being the character, as directed or coached. Amazing. Anyway. Acting!

I also for years have had a dream of creating a line of DVDs of stories I would like to see now and wish had existed for me in the past. Drama, spiritual cinema circle-esque inspiration, erotica, and the like are some genres I’ve considered. I got the idea from some DVDs I’ve seen advertised in black magazines which led me to believe that the mainstream movie market isn’t the only one that reaches people. I’m inspired also by filmmakers who started making their art on their own and then grew to make an impression on their respective communities: Tyler Perry, Candida Royale, Fatale Video, Poly Patao. I want to create movies that inspired me like Whoopi Goldberg’s “The Associate”, “Girlfriends” (a 70s flick about two roommates, a poet and a photographer, and their struggles to live as artists and friends in NYC), What the Bleep?! Chasing Amy, and Female Perversions are some movies which really excite me and make me think about what kind of movies I’d make or will make. One of my favorite books (because it shows how easily one can make a movie as a solo chyk which a very low budget) is “Girl Director”. Check it out!

Visual Art:

a) Just thinking about future projects and wondering whether to do them in a novel to bring them into being sooner. There are concepts I’ve had since the mid 1990s, and I wonder if it wouldn’t be more fun to produce them in the figurative, literal sense, than to wait until I have the time, energy, and financial resources to create and exhibit them in the physical.

I also think of bookstore owner and booklover Larry Robin author (and former Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series feature) Leslie ____ who both told me that more truth could be told in fiction than in nonfiction, and I consider taking my ideas along with the inspiration of business artist and producer Andy Warhol to put my long-held and recently developing visual artistic projects into the hands of a fictional character who does have the means to create and exhibit them NOW.

I get goo-goo eyed when I think about the possibility of writing this type of novel. Basically it would be what I would like my life to be like as a multi-disciplinary visual artist – to be able to take my ideas and create campaigns and sculptures. To have the funding and the venues to display and sell them. To travel and have lovers all over the world – oh, actually the last part is going to happen anyway – albeit with my music, heh-heh!

Anyway, yeah, it was really exciting the other day to think about the research I would need to do. I’d be in touch with artists and art schools and studios and foundations. I might meet some really cool people. And, incidentally, interviewing people is a great way to invite romance. Jackie Kennedy, Isabelle Allende, and Matisyahu’s wife all “got” their husbands by interviewing them for a story about their work. Still, I wouldn’t be doing it for that. I’d be doing it to get a realistic feel for what it’s really like to put on an exhibit – where one buys the supplies to display one’s work… How one mounts the work on walls – and what type of drill bit does one need for marble, for example? How wide a chisel for this or for that type of stone? It might be just as much or even more fun to research and to write about it as it would be to actually execute such projects.

To other benefits would be that I would really enjoy writing about the kind of life I would like to be having right now, from how my bedroom would be decorated (satin EVERYTHING and pretty expensive bottles of perfume on my dresser, plants and candles galore, incense, you know – the usual)…I could create circumstances regarding fulfillment, love, and finance, that would become “real” either during the writing or after publication of the book, as happened with bestselling “Good in Bed” and “In Her Shoes” author Jennifer Weiner. She was a journalist for The Philadelphia Inquirer when she started writing “Good in Bed”. The character in one of Jennifer’s books meets a famous actress, and in real life, Jennifer’s book became a movie starring Cameron Diaz, whom she got to meet.

I firmly believe you can create your future through your present thoughts. Why not put those thoughts into writing, music, or some other art form? Melissa Etheridge did this with a song while recovering from cancer. She wrote a song with the lyrics “I want to hear on the radio that I am well”, and that’s what happened. So I am pretty goshdarned sure that if I write about a black chyk artist character lugging her bag of tricks, tools, and toys on a plane to exhibit in Finland, or Norway, or Amsterdam, where there are at least three sensual men preparing their bedrooms to receive her, during the writing of this, or shortly thereafter, that, or something similar, will be happening to Moi! [By the way, I seem to have a memory of African American writer Gayl Jones publishing a novel about just such a thing – black girl in Paris or something similar. Correctify a.k.a. “correctate” me if I’m wrong.]

And this is what I am thinking about – these are the ideas I am having about art (and, apparently, romance).

b) I braided my own hair extensions! You may not think of this as visual art, but I’ve always thought of my braids and locs (the total of about 13 or 14 times I’ve worn them, collectively, around 6 or 7 times each) as art. I used to wrap my braids and locs with string and sometimes even sew jewelery and super tiny filled, real perfume bottles in them… This time I am super proud because I wanted to take responsibility for my own hair. One, I needed a serious hair makeover, and two, in dreaming about going to, or living someday in Europe, I knew I might not always be living places with black women who could braid my hair. Since I can always find or have shipped in, synthetic hair, I knew that braiding it myself would be the answer. So, after several weeks of procrastinating in fear that I wouldn’t be able to do it, or that it would be difficult, I finally got through the process of buying the hair (three separate colors: dark brown, dark auburn, and bright *ass blue!). Two weeks after I brought the hair, I mustered up the gumption to try to braid one in. How difficult could it be, I thought? I know how to braid – you take three strands – that’s it. How about using my own hair as one of the three strands? That’s what I did and the tester braid was quick and easy and proved my theory right. (Although I have much to thank to YouTube because that’s where I found posts of black women demonstrating how to braid extensions.)

A week after that, I lay the six bags of hair on my bed, set up the scissors, a comb, and all natural aloe vera juice, one mirror, and proceeded in two days and just under 16 hours, to make my hair the prettiest it has been in at least a decade. Not that short fros can’t be gorgeous, just that I wasn’t feeling gorgeous at the most recent time I was wearing the short fro. (I have rocked such fro’s in the past, though, when I have felt prettier! So don’t think I don’t loves me some afrage. Never let it be said!) Anyway, I posted a ridiculous amount of pictures of My New Plastic Hair on MySpace, but since you have to have an account to view them, I thought I’d also shamelessly post them on my primary website. Enjoy (and never let it be said)!

3) WHAT I’M READING, WHAT I’M LISTENING TO

~ I’m reading a most exciting thriller, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 0486290735. I’ve been an admirer and identified with him since I was a little girl and I kept getting stuck in my mind that I couldn’t do all the things he did because he was a white guy and I was a black girl. Still, I wanted to write and make things just like he did. Great book.

~After ravishing again and again the Alice B. Toklas Cook Book I started craving her autobiography, codependently written, of course, not by her, but by her companion of 25 years, Gertrude Stein 39470133x. Toklas’s picture is not on the cover of the book, either, but Stein’s (taken by their friend Carl Van Vechten). In the moments that I can get beyond some of that, I enjoy tremendously reading of their many times and conversations with famous artists (who were not famous at the time) such as Matisse and Stein’s very good friend Picasso.

~Conversations with Paul Bowles 0878056505 is a big and handsome book I bought on sale over a decade ago (originally a hefty $28, I copped it for a wee $6.95). This was when I was in my late twenties and collecting books of artists I wanted to be like someday. Now in my late 30s, I realize it’s time to be the artist I wanted to be like, so some time ago I gave away all my “model artist” books (so I could start being and writing about being one). Still, I kept this one, and am glad I did, as Bowles was a genius and a vessel, who also was part of the Paris salon scene enjoyed and contributed to by Toklas, Stein et al. The main thing I dig, admire about and identify with about Paul Bowles is that he was both and equally a composer/musician as well as a well-respected novelist and poet. He lived totally in the present and said some things about security (or lack thereof) that really helped me get over my fear of not having a day job when I dared at my first stint working full-time as musician and writer in 2002.

~In addition to my own released and unreleased recordings, I am also enjoying a range of personal growth guided meditations and affirmations created by Orin and performed by Sanaya Roman. These, presently in audiocassette format, are:

Creating Money: Keys to Abundance

Creating Money: Releasing Doubts and Fear

Self-Love

I Am Loved, I Am Lovable

Public Recognition

Creating Your Perfect Day

(The Creating Your Perfect Day one was really helpful earlier this week and boosted my productivity and cheer several-fold, I think. I will listen to it more often… You can find these and more at www.orindaben.com)

~I don’t have any more copies (I gave them all away in the Lansdale PA-to-NYC move) of Affirmations for Survivors: Self-Love CD (by Moi, Amethyste Rah) which I really really really wanted to listen to, because it’s in CD format and can play all night as I sleep… I will have to order a copy. Isn’t that silly?! At least I can get it wholesale! (And you can get ‘em retail at http://stores.lulu.com/cassEndrE !)

~Anything by Pastor Joel Osteen is incredibly inspiring. I ordered a series of CDs from his website and for a measly five bucks (they take whatever you want to donate), had some of the most motivational and fulfilling speeches mailed to Moi. Very highly recommended, regardless of your afiliaccione religiosancia.

*The number of times the word “ass” was used in this writing: 2.

**Dany Laferriere is the bestselling author of “How to Make Love to a Negro”, a hip smart novel about race relations, among other titles. He is Haitian and moved years ago to Canada. (To give you an idea of why I love being a Haitian artist and why I think I will be well received in Europe: in French, the original title was “How To Make Love to a Negro Without Getting Tired”. Right up Moi’s alley, non? Oui!

4) WITH A LITTLE HELP FOR MEIN (AQUARIAN) FROINDS

a) ON THE ROPES * Aerial Rope – October. To learn about this exciting exercise, dance, movement class by Kiebpoli Calnek, please visit http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BWAFphilly/message/2523.

b) Photographic artist Corey Armpreister has a new show. Here’s the press release, which I wasn’t successful in uploading to the BWAF yahoo group: PRESS RELEASE- For immediate release. Exhibition preview. Smile Gallery, 105 South 22^nd Street Philadelphia PA 10103

215-564-2502 contact: Ken Titjamnong mattjr(at)fencobankeqipment.com

Pineal Gland

New photographs by Corey Armpriester

Friday reception December 12^th 5-8pm

Smile Gallery is pleased to present a solo exhibition of the new works “Pineal Gland” by Philadelphia based artist Corey Armpriester. The show runs from December 1-December 31, 2008.Corey will be present at the opening reception on December 12^th from 5-8pm

Photographic alchemy is the only way to describe this new strange brew of an exhibition. The artist is addressing everything from religious symbolism to the Food and Drug Administration to the New World Order and its connections to the legends and myths of the illuminati , the boule and the oto and that’s only the beginning. The masked figure sprinkled everywhere and on everything, commenting on issues of private identity, imposed controls and mental/physical restrictions. The work invites the viewer to explore her or his shadow self, without apologies on a psychological landscape of what can only be explained as thoughtful snap shots from the astral plane. Along side, the shadow people are interior portraits of prison cells in Eastern State Penitentiary a manifestation of where our minds may live, in a constant state of imprisoned Liberty .

This exhibition challenges the notions of good and evil by exploring and then ultimately denying both as strange and unusual constructs created to suppress human potential. Corey Armpriester is working mainly with black and white prints, which further the exhibitions surreal and other worldly quality done with an insightful and undeniably creepy grace.

[CX note: Corey could do the coolest things in the world, but I’ll always say that my favorite was when he had a radio show called “Furniture.” And of course, it had nothing to do with furniture.]

Z) FAREWELL BLESSING

~May you stay healthy, well, and young forever.

~May you be renewed in spirit and positivity daily.

~May your friends always be true and faithful.

~May you experience exquisite pleasure on a regular basis.

~May your path be clear and steady.

~May all of your best dreams and wishes come true, surpassing all your expectations (or something better), and may it be for the good of all.

Sincerely,

Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah

renaissance negresse

www.cassEndrExavier.com

(c) Copyright 2008 by Cassendre Xavier a.k.a. Amethyste Rah. All rights reserved.

Cassendre Xavier is a self-described “renaissance negresse”. Although she also enjoys acting and making visual art, this first generation American-born citizen of Haitian and Chinese heritage is mainly a musician and a writer. As a singer-songwriter/guitarist, Cassendre has released 7 albums of music described as “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade, and Enya” (Borders Music Expert Steven M. Wilson). Her sound has also often been compared to that of Roberta Flack, Joan Armatrading, Joni Mitchell, Pheobe Snow, and India.Arie, among others. Her latest musical recording, “Live at Tin Angel” was honorably mentioned as #9 of “Top 21 Local LPs of 2007” (M.J. Fine, Philadelphia City Paper). Under her self-assigned soul name Amethyste Rah and featuring music of light by Thaddeus (Sanaya Roman), she has a growing line of spoken word guided meditation recordings called “Affirmations for Survivors”, the first two being “Spirituality” and “Self-Love”. Her “snappy and redeeming” (Karen Gross, Philadelphia City Paper) multi-genre writing has been published nationally in various literary anthologies and periodicals, as well as previously self-published chapbooks “secrets & lies: poetry and other words” and “Making of a Woman/Artist: a book for every black girl and every black woman who has ever wanted to be an artist”. She wrote, directed, and starred in a 5-actor play called “Sex for Survivors” which ran for three days in the Philly Fringe Festival 2003. An award-winning cultural arts advocate, Cassendre is the founder and former director of several arts initiatives in Philadelphia including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Robin’s Bookstore, 2002-2006) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (The Rotunda and other venues, 2003-present). She received a $15,000 Leeway Transformation Award in 2005 for her work in art and change. Now reinventing herself as a musician and writer in her native city of New York, Cassendre practices an active, raw vegan lifestyle, braiding her own hair extensions, and getting as many naps and hot dates in as possible. Visit often at www.cassEndrExavier.com.